Thursday, December 6, 2012

My Love Affair With a Floor

Yeah, you heard that right.  I am IN LOVE with a floor.  I am just adoring it and patting myself on the back until the hubby comes home and points out all the mistakes I made.  I don't give a rat's ass right now!  I did it all by myself.

With a very bossy 5 year old supervising.

That part sucked.  The bitty one was home from school today.  I was stupid enough to think she would entertain herself and leave me alone.  Nope...

"Mom, do you need help?"


"Suuure?  What are these blue pluses?"


"What are spacers?"

"They keep the tiles apart"

"Can I have some?"


"Do you know your butt is showing?"

Yes, that is how it went hour after grueling hour.  For the love of god, that child can talk!

But it is done.  Except for grouting.  That is waiting for the little urchins to go to bed.  I am so in love with it!  I would sleep on it nekkid if I didn't think it would push my kids into therapy finding me sprawled out, nekkid, on it.  I mean I am sure they will at some point in time need therapy after living with me all these years.

I also finished the wall, patched it, patched the wallpaper, painted and hung the heavy mirror that needs to go up about an 1".

Yeah, 1 freaking inch!  Seriously?!  I may splurge and go up two though just cause I can!  It looks pretty if you squint and block out all the crap on the counter.  I need to paint the mirror still but I am not sure if I want to just paint it the Ultra White like the moldings or distress it.  As you probably know, I don't rush these things.  Only took me 7 years of hating the floor to replace it!  Hopefully I will make a decision soon though.

It has even been "christened".  One of the super poopers that lives here plugged up the toilet and shoshed water on the floor trying to plunge it.  WTH?  Really?!

As for now though, I have a hot date with a tub of grout and a tile float!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Bah Humbug....

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know Christmas is close.  This is about when the bah humbug starts.  When the impact of what lies ahead rears it's ugly head.  For all you inquiring minds, no I am not an "Elf on a Shelf" lover or fan.  Who's idea was this anyways?  Probably the same dumbass who invented the "Tooth Fairy".  Do you know how many times my sleepy eyed children have wandered into the kitchen with a tooth in their hand wanting to know why the damn Tooth Fairy missed them?  Cause I suck is why?  By the time that I actually the little urchins herded up and off to bed I am so exhausted that the last thing on my mind is to sneak up to their room and replace a tooth with money.  I am the one who reaches into her wallet, pulls out whatever is in there and say "Here, she told me to give this to you.  Hand over the tooth".  Yeah, I suck.  BTW, what does everyone do with those teeth?  Now they have come up with the Elf thingy.  The idea is cute.  I can read the book and stick him on a shelf.  Move him every night?  Come up with different things for him to do?  I have a hard time planning my own activities let alone a stuffed inanimate object.  Elf on a Shelf....WTH?!  I feel ahead of the game if I have their stockings stuffed before the darlings come down Christmas morning.

Since we host Christmas at our house and have the crappiest house out of everyone in the family, I usually start a BIG project.  There is a reason to my madness though.  Keeps my mind off things and I can blame the project for not decorating at Christmas.  Also, if the house isn't quite up to company standards I can again, blame the project.  It's really an ingenious idea if you ask me.  This year it is the pooper room.  My poor sad pitiful excuse for a bathroom.  The only one in a house with 5 people.  I feel bad for it, I really do.  It has taken it's share of abuse over the 7 years we have lived here.

There used to be a huge mirror on this wall.  I think we pushed it to it's limit because it decided to commit suicide in the middle of the night.  Fell right off the wall.  Probably been there for years and a few with us and it had had it!   I didn't even scrape the mastic off the walls after it fell, let alone touch up the paint.  How sad am I?  Just stuck up a mirror and called it good!

Here's a fun game.  What is missing in this pic?  If you guessed a towel bar you win a cookie!  The little one called it a "monkey bar" and used it as such.  I do believe her words right before it gave out and fell off were "Watch this!"  Always a sign of disaster or impending doom when those 2 little words are uttered by my kids!

The main reason to come into this room, the pooper.  Sitting in a sad, depressed little corner behind the door.  You definitely want to lock the door when sitting on the throne to prevent your knees from being whacked.  Again, half a toilet paper holder on the wall.  For god's sake, can't anyone atleast take the rest of it down?  I don't know what happened with that one actually.  Probably another spectacular feat of gymnastics by one of my little dears.  I do like my window treatment I did a few years ago in here.  

I hate this floor!  It is so ugly and old.  I am sure it was on clearance and that is why it is in our house now.  It's gotta go.  It is beyond cleaning even.  I hate that you can see each and every seam in the peel and sticks too.  Ugh....

So that is my hot date with an ugly bathroom last weekend!  I, of course, have visions of grandeur that the kids are going to cooperate so I can knock this puppy out.  Yeah.... right....  

First step, is to get the mastic off the wall.  Of course that means that part of the drywall comes with it too.  

Notice a problem here?  WTH!  Why in the world would they make a jar too small to get a smearer into?  Yeeesh....  Now a man would have stopped what he was doing to run up and get the right tool.  I am much smarter than that!  I grabbed a butter knife to get some of the spackle out of the jar, put it on the smearer thingy and then applied it to the wall.  

A man will also tell you to apply the product to the wall keeping you putty knife at a 45 degree angle and applying even pressure.  Keep it smooth also.  A woman will tell you to get some of the stuff on your smearer and act like you are making a peanut butter sandwich.  Or frosting a cake.  Keep it smooth also.

Women are just smarter....

Apply.  Dry.  Sand.  Repeat.  On the repeat coat you want to wet the smearer to do a finish coat and lightly sand if needed.  It dries pretty fast too so you don't have to wait long.  

Now to paint.

I hate painting, but love the look and smell after it is done.  I also forgot what an acrobatic act it is to paint this sucker!  Did I forget to mention that I am afraid of heights?!

I know!  Big color change huh?!  Went from a beige with a rose tint to a beige with a gold tint.   It may take me awhile to get used to this.  Look how nice the wall where the mirror used to be looks.  One good thing about being a hoarder is that I saved all the bits from doing the beadboard wallpaper and found there WAS enough to do this little bit!  Way to go hoarders!  A quick "shopping trip" and a little swapperaroo with the mirror in the girls room....

But first....'s not a full blown project until there is a little blood shed.  I think it was a papercut cause it just bled for a second.


....there it is so far.  The mirror needs to be painted.  Once the beadboard wallpaper is dry it also needs to be painted.  Then moldings, trim, the new floor and redoing the countertop.  Let's not talk about the countertop right now though.

For now though, I'm done!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The OMG Moment

I am sure that everyone has experienced the "OMG moment".  You know that moment when life just sneaks up, slaps you upside the head and says "Hey!  You are an adult, or you are going to be a mom, or you were in such a hurry you put your underwear on backwards and are wearing see through pants...."  That moment in your life when you are revealed such a realization that you answer is just holy crap!

Mine happened a few weeks ago.  I was sound asleep in my bed, minding my own business and trying not to be pushed off the side by my husband, who for the record is NOT a bed hog.  HA!  I sat straight up in bed out of a dead sleep.  I did this so suddenly that I even woke up Sleeping Beauty next to me.


"OMG!  I am going to be 50!  5-0!  In like a month!"

"Is that it?!  Shut up and go back to sleep....zzzzzz"

OMG!  50!  The big 5-0!  When the hell did that happen and why is he sleeping so soundly!  This is baaaaad!  Really bad!  I can't really be doing THAT already!  I don't feel 50 so why do I have to BE 50!  Why didn't I moisturize more?

That whole day was bad.  Just one reminder after another that I was old.  It started with the morning shower.  Innocent enough huh?  Wrong!  Catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror when you are trying with everything you can to not believe you are turning 50.  I spun around thinking someone had snuck into the bathroom with me when I wasn't looking.  Nope, not so lucky.  That was ME in the mirror!  Wow, I got fat!  That is a whole lot of old looking back at me.

You know what else happens when you get old?  Your hair goes gray.  Yeah, not just the visible hair either.  You know the hair down there that if you have colored your hair for a long time is the only indicator of your true color?  Yup!  Gray.  DO NOT if you are feeling smarter than them grab a pair of tweezers and try to rip them out either.  You won't just grab the one culprit, but a few of his friends, and may end up writhing in pain on the bathroom floor screaming like a banshee!  I mean, not that I did that.... I just heard of other people doing that....  *Note to self-clean the bathroom floor*  I did resist the urge to dye it with the red color I do on more viewable hair growth.  Knowing my luck, I would get in an accident and then while I was unconscious they would have to remove my clothing and think I had a really bad venereal disease or something.

You know what else sucks about getting old?  Boobs.  I never had boobs in my younger years.  Thankfully, after my boy, I got quite the rack though.  Pretty proud of those homegrown puppies too!  Who would of thought that our joyous time together would be so short lived.  Guess they are tired too cause they are sagging.  Sagging!  Is that a sick joke or something?

My youngest daughter came in while I was dressing cause she has no sense of a closed door unless it is deadbolted.  Just dropped the towel and in she storms.  Took one look at me au naturale and ran out screaming "I don't want to get that old"!  Seriously?!  Don't you know I just had the OMG Moment?

I have also found that I don't understand teenagers.  This comes in handy considering I have two of those alienlike beings.  My oldest daughter showed me a video that she and her friends think is funny.  One, I didn't get it.  Two, what the hell is a "condom star"?  After she stopped laughing til she peed her pants, she told me he is saying "gangnam style" and the song is in Korean.  Phew!  That took care of number 3, cause I couldn't understand one freaking word he was saying!  Just yesterday I was rolling my eyes at my dad for not understanding the utter coolness of my choice of music.

50.  Blah.  My husband keeps asking me what I want to do for my birthday.  Hmmmm.....  Maybe me on a table with a very talented plastic surgeon working his magic on me?  50.  Wow, getting old sucks....